I used to be able to handle life as it came at me, but lately I want to go into hiding... Overwhelmed? Over-doing it? ... or is it just pure exhaustion. The past year has been one of the hardest I can remember.
My life is very fast. So fast that I can hardly keep up with it lately. The stinky part is that I am a "pleaser." I am now discovering that "pleaser" should be translated into "sucker." Someone recently asked me what I do at my job. I didn't even know how to put into words every thing I do. I am also a mommy and a wife to the most AMAZING, precious family on the face of the planet, but they get to see and feel the brunt of my stress. (Why do we take out our emotions on the innocent ones we love so much??) I want to be there for my kids every waking moment, but lately even Eric has said that I am not mentally home when I am home. My mind is always focused on every little detail I need to complete. On the flip side, I LOVE spending time with people. -- Not in groups, but one on one. I cherish time alone with friends. But lately I don't even get to spend quality time with myself -- let alone anyone else. I feel selfish even saying that I need "me" time, but it's true. I am at to the point of throwing on the breaks to life and watching everything collapse in front of me. I always say that you need to stop and listen to the music... that still small voice of TRUTH (Christ), and read his word. Why is it that when I am sinking into the same pit I so often fall into that HE is the last place I go for help?
I keep hoping that when summer hits that I can go into my cacoon and disappear, but that would be selfish. I need to take the kids to see family, go on summer vacation, do summer training classes, take the kids to swimming lessons, get the house cleaned up and organized, etc. I know I am totally complaining, so I will stop. Life is only as hard as you allow it to be, and I guess I am letting it beat me down.
I have a sign in my kitchen that is so relevant, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I need you, Lord Jesus, to renew that everlasting JOY in my heart, and allow me to persevere through the yucky stress of life, pursue you will every fiber of my being, for YOU alone make my paths straight.
1 comment:
I have been wanting to hide lately too. I am deeply conflicted about this because I know we need the "body" but at what cost to my family do I let everything drain me? I want to hide out, but next week is different- its summer!!I have a suspicion that being a working parent always involves this tension and I feel like the answer is to retreat to my family and focus on them....what do I know? The last time I had to face major questions like you are facing, I almost lost my faith because I couldn't hear the answer from God so I wondered if He was ever there. He is there, though and we are learning to endure this world, building character, and gaining hope....
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