Today is my precious daughter's 5th birthday!
We had a swimming party/ drown fest on Saturday. It was crazy... but fun!
I am so blessed to have such wonderful children! They are a joy and delight to me and I praise God for them!
Monday, May 24, 2010
Decision
You may or may not know...
I've made an unofficial decision! (Such an oxymoran!)
I will take the position at Grace once I receive the contract! I've been in meetings the past few weeks dicussing the "in's and out's" of what needs to be done to go forward with my new title of Social Media Marketer/Director. We still have many more meetings to go, BUT it's nice to have a sense of completion -- at least in the area of taking the job or not.
I'm looking forward to my new adventures yet again!
I've made an unofficial decision! (Such an oxymoran!)
I will take the position at Grace once I receive the contract! I've been in meetings the past few weeks dicussing the "in's and out's" of what needs to be done to go forward with my new title of Social Media Marketer/Director. We still have many more meetings to go, BUT it's nice to have a sense of completion -- at least in the area of taking the job or not.
I'm looking forward to my new adventures yet again!
Monday, May 17, 2010
Everyone keeps asking me, "Are you okay?" ... I always answer, "Yes, I'm fine!" But, I guess here's a bit of what's going on in my life right now....
As many of you know, we had the priveledge of having Maw Maw, Eric's grandmother who is 93 years old, live with us for 7 months this past year. (I have a LONG post about that history, but it's still a work in progress, so I'll post it later...) Due to many circumstances, she is now living in a nursing home in Kerrville, TX. She has dementia. We call her and talk to her on the phone, but a gut-wrenching guilt comes over me every time we call her. You see, she became a huge part of my life -- I couldn't help but worry about her constantly-- and in many ways I felt as though she was one of my kids. I know that sounds strange, but she needed me just as my kids do. And in many ways I needed her as well. Every time we call she says she's lonely. After a while her dementia kicks in again and she forgets who she is talking to. She is so good at pretending she knows who she is talking to, but after spending so much time with her I can tell when she is "on" and when she is not. I can't help but wish that I could've done more for her. I wish in so many ways that I could've juggled working 2 jobs, family, kids, her, and her nurse, Sonia, who helped me with her. The ultimate breaking point for me was when my own grandfather died suddenly. Part of me died and I couldn't help but think of all the time I missed with him, and all the time I don't want to miss with my own grandmother who was left behind.
Life really hasn't been the same since. Tiny little things, that would normally be of no circumstance, have piled into big things. I now carry a burden that I know is not mine to bear, but the guilt of wanting to be everything to everyone, and the truth in knowing that I am not everyone's savior is rather hard to own up to. I am Christ's servant. I am HIS. I can only do the tasks that the Lord has for me, and I will do them to the best of my ability. The only problem is, how do you let go and move on when that time comes? Losing someone is hard. Letting go of the "what if's" and "I should have's" that haunt you and seep into your very being is sometimes harder. Life is too short to live in regret. But how do you balance life when you see so much need? I am not one that likes passing by need and not doing something about it. I also know that I can't give of myself if I am not getting fed -- spiritually, emotionally, and physically. At this time I am on "empty" in all counts. Drained to the point of quitting. I guess that's why I'm writing this. It's somewhat thereputic.
I've been the PTF President the past year, Maw Maw's care taker, my kids mommy, Eric's wife, weekend wedding planner, a crappy friend on all levels, we moved (which that in itself is stressful), I was the event planner and Development Assistant at Grace, substitute teacher, and also been applying to get my kids transferred to Merriman Park Elem., starting to get involved with that PTA group, tour schools to see where the best place for the kids would be, and who knows what else... I've lost track. I'm now at a crossroads. I was planning on quitting my job at Grace and just being mommy. The main reason for that being that I don't make much money. Someone working part-time at Gap brings home more bacon than I do. I have worked at Grace because I LOVE the people, families, environment, kids, and so much more. It's never been about the money. It's always been about the ministry. Now financially things have changed for us. Paying $22,000 in tuition is a bit of a stretch. I asked my boss at one point for some sort of discount since I've worked there since 2001, and was rejected. I felt that was God saying it's time to move on and write that book I've been working on for years, but never take time to finish.
I was completely okay with that. My boss would continue to offer me positions in an efort to keep me, but the offers were all very easy to say no to... Until he made a certain offer that is pretty much a "no brainer..."
He has UNofficially asked me to be the Social Media Marketer for Grace Academy. He still wants me to add my "flare" to the events and help him in the office, but my main goal and job would be to rework the schools web page and make it more friendly to my generation... In that, there would also be a blog where I would write about the everyday lives of our students, get our school on facebook, twitter, etc. That part was what grabbed me, and he knew it would. He knows that I was planning on writing a book (though I believe he thought it to be silly). He also knows that the word "no" is not in my vocabulary very often. (As previously stated, I am a "sucker"). He also threw in all the bells and whistles -- making it very hard to say no...
It's the end of the year. Everyone is burned out and ready to be DONE. I honestly have no desire to start something NEW again at Grace. (This will be the 3rd position I have created while being here). I'm ready for some quiet and peace. But those of you who know me, know that as soon as I find quiet and peace I relpace it with something else. (UGH! Stinkin' idiot never learns!) So, the crossroad is, do I quit and make things a bit harder on Eric financially, put the kids in public school, and pursue my dream, or do I take the job that will train me and help me with my book (in some regards) and allow the kids to stay in private school a bit longer?
I've been praying about his for weeks --To the point that I'm honestly sick about it. I so long to have time alone and write and just be an involved parent --to be in the house for a portion of the day ALONE. ...But, will I really? That is a need and desire currently, but once that need and desire is sufficed, will I still want that, or will I wish that I had taken the job at Grace?
Is this the next step God has for me, or is it a test to see which direction my life will go from here? My book is a dream, and I will write it before I die. My kids are my passion. I want to be with them every moment, but I let my busy life fog the path of my passion at times. They are here for but a moment, and then they are grown up and making decisions for themselves. I want to be with them as long as I possibly can.
I need rest, peace, clarity, decisiveness, widon, discerment, and joy.
Lord Jesus, please guide me in your will. Protect me from my own selfish desires. Make me ready to be the godly wife and mother you have made me to be. Let the empty lies that so easliy mislead me and drag me down not effect me. Build up your mighty wall of protection that nothing will destroy the trust, hope, and joy that I have in you. Make me ready to do your will daily. Fullfil me and sustain me when I feel that I can't take another step, for you alone are carrying me to your feet. I need you, Precious Saviour. I can't do ANYTHING without YOU in it.
Thank you for your unfailing love, comfort, protection, and strength. I love you!
As many of you know, we had the priveledge of having Maw Maw, Eric's grandmother who is 93 years old, live with us for 7 months this past year. (I have a LONG post about that history, but it's still a work in progress, so I'll post it later...) Due to many circumstances, she is now living in a nursing home in Kerrville, TX. She has dementia. We call her and talk to her on the phone, but a gut-wrenching guilt comes over me every time we call her. You see, she became a huge part of my life -- I couldn't help but worry about her constantly-- and in many ways I felt as though she was one of my kids. I know that sounds strange, but she needed me just as my kids do. And in many ways I needed her as well. Every time we call she says she's lonely. After a while her dementia kicks in again and she forgets who she is talking to. She is so good at pretending she knows who she is talking to, but after spending so much time with her I can tell when she is "on" and when she is not. I can't help but wish that I could've done more for her. I wish in so many ways that I could've juggled working 2 jobs, family, kids, her, and her nurse, Sonia, who helped me with her. The ultimate breaking point for me was when my own grandfather died suddenly. Part of me died and I couldn't help but think of all the time I missed with him, and all the time I don't want to miss with my own grandmother who was left behind.
Life really hasn't been the same since. Tiny little things, that would normally be of no circumstance, have piled into big things. I now carry a burden that I know is not mine to bear, but the guilt of wanting to be everything to everyone, and the truth in knowing that I am not everyone's savior is rather hard to own up to. I am Christ's servant. I am HIS. I can only do the tasks that the Lord has for me, and I will do them to the best of my ability. The only problem is, how do you let go and move on when that time comes? Losing someone is hard. Letting go of the "what if's" and "I should have's" that haunt you and seep into your very being is sometimes harder. Life is too short to live in regret. But how do you balance life when you see so much need? I am not one that likes passing by need and not doing something about it. I also know that I can't give of myself if I am not getting fed -- spiritually, emotionally, and physically. At this time I am on "empty" in all counts. Drained to the point of quitting. I guess that's why I'm writing this. It's somewhat thereputic.
I've been the PTF President the past year, Maw Maw's care taker, my kids mommy, Eric's wife, weekend wedding planner, a crappy friend on all levels, we moved (which that in itself is stressful), I was the event planner and Development Assistant at Grace, substitute teacher, and also been applying to get my kids transferred to Merriman Park Elem., starting to get involved with that PTA group, tour schools to see where the best place for the kids would be, and who knows what else... I've lost track. I'm now at a crossroads. I was planning on quitting my job at Grace and just being mommy. The main reason for that being that I don't make much money. Someone working part-time at Gap brings home more bacon than I do. I have worked at Grace because I LOVE the people, families, environment, kids, and so much more. It's never been about the money. It's always been about the ministry. Now financially things have changed for us. Paying $22,000 in tuition is a bit of a stretch. I asked my boss at one point for some sort of discount since I've worked there since 2001, and was rejected. I felt that was God saying it's time to move on and write that book I've been working on for years, but never take time to finish.
I was completely okay with that. My boss would continue to offer me positions in an efort to keep me, but the offers were all very easy to say no to... Until he made a certain offer that is pretty much a "no brainer..."
He has UNofficially asked me to be the Social Media Marketer for Grace Academy. He still wants me to add my "flare" to the events and help him in the office, but my main goal and job would be to rework the schools web page and make it more friendly to my generation... In that, there would also be a blog where I would write about the everyday lives of our students, get our school on facebook, twitter, etc. That part was what grabbed me, and he knew it would. He knows that I was planning on writing a book (though I believe he thought it to be silly). He also knows that the word "no" is not in my vocabulary very often. (As previously stated, I am a "sucker"). He also threw in all the bells and whistles -- making it very hard to say no...
It's the end of the year. Everyone is burned out and ready to be DONE. I honestly have no desire to start something NEW again at Grace. (This will be the 3rd position I have created while being here). I'm ready for some quiet and peace. But those of you who know me, know that as soon as I find quiet and peace I relpace it with something else. (UGH! Stinkin' idiot never learns!) So, the crossroad is, do I quit and make things a bit harder on Eric financially, put the kids in public school, and pursue my dream, or do I take the job that will train me and help me with my book (in some regards) and allow the kids to stay in private school a bit longer?
I've been praying about his for weeks --To the point that I'm honestly sick about it. I so long to have time alone and write and just be an involved parent --to be in the house for a portion of the day ALONE. ...But, will I really? That is a need and desire currently, but once that need and desire is sufficed, will I still want that, or will I wish that I had taken the job at Grace?
Is this the next step God has for me, or is it a test to see which direction my life will go from here? My book is a dream, and I will write it before I die. My kids are my passion. I want to be with them every moment, but I let my busy life fog the path of my passion at times. They are here for but a moment, and then they are grown up and making decisions for themselves. I want to be with them as long as I possibly can.
I need rest, peace, clarity, decisiveness, widon, discerment, and joy.
Lord Jesus, please guide me in your will. Protect me from my own selfish desires. Make me ready to be the godly wife and mother you have made me to be. Let the empty lies that so easliy mislead me and drag me down not effect me. Build up your mighty wall of protection that nothing will destroy the trust, hope, and joy that I have in you. Make me ready to do your will daily. Fullfil me and sustain me when I feel that I can't take another step, for you alone are carrying me to your feet. I need you, Precious Saviour. I can't do ANYTHING without YOU in it.
Thank you for your unfailing love, comfort, protection, and strength. I love you!
It's May...who knew.
I used to be able to handle life as it came at me, but lately I want to go into hiding... Overwhelmed? Over-doing it? ... or is it just pure exhaustion. The past year has been one of the hardest I can remember.
My life is very fast. So fast that I can hardly keep up with it lately. The stinky part is that I am a "pleaser." I am now discovering that "pleaser" should be translated into "sucker." Someone recently asked me what I do at my job. I didn't even know how to put into words every thing I do. I am also a mommy and a wife to the most AMAZING, precious family on the face of the planet, but they get to see and feel the brunt of my stress. (Why do we take out our emotions on the innocent ones we love so much??) I want to be there for my kids every waking moment, but lately even Eric has said that I am not mentally home when I am home. My mind is always focused on every little detail I need to complete. On the flip side, I LOVE spending time with people. -- Not in groups, but one on one. I cherish time alone with friends. But lately I don't even get to spend quality time with myself -- let alone anyone else. I feel selfish even saying that I need "me" time, but it's true. I am at to the point of throwing on the breaks to life and watching everything collapse in front of me. I always say that you need to stop and listen to the music... that still small voice of TRUTH (Christ), and read his word. Why is it that when I am sinking into the same pit I so often fall into that HE is the last place I go for help?
I keep hoping that when summer hits that I can go into my cacoon and disappear, but that would be selfish. I need to take the kids to see family, go on summer vacation, do summer training classes, take the kids to swimming lessons, get the house cleaned up and organized, etc. I know I am totally complaining, so I will stop. Life is only as hard as you allow it to be, and I guess I am letting it beat me down.
I have a sign in my kitchen that is so relevant, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I need you, Lord Jesus, to renew that everlasting JOY in my heart, and allow me to persevere through the yucky stress of life, pursue you will every fiber of my being, for YOU alone make my paths straight.
My life is very fast. So fast that I can hardly keep up with it lately. The stinky part is that I am a "pleaser." I am now discovering that "pleaser" should be translated into "sucker." Someone recently asked me what I do at my job. I didn't even know how to put into words every thing I do. I am also a mommy and a wife to the most AMAZING, precious family on the face of the planet, but they get to see and feel the brunt of my stress. (Why do we take out our emotions on the innocent ones we love so much??) I want to be there for my kids every waking moment, but lately even Eric has said that I am not mentally home when I am home. My mind is always focused on every little detail I need to complete. On the flip side, I LOVE spending time with people. -- Not in groups, but one on one. I cherish time alone with friends. But lately I don't even get to spend quality time with myself -- let alone anyone else. I feel selfish even saying that I need "me" time, but it's true. I am at to the point of throwing on the breaks to life and watching everything collapse in front of me. I always say that you need to stop and listen to the music... that still small voice of TRUTH (Christ), and read his word. Why is it that when I am sinking into the same pit I so often fall into that HE is the last place I go for help?
I keep hoping that when summer hits that I can go into my cacoon and disappear, but that would be selfish. I need to take the kids to see family, go on summer vacation, do summer training classes, take the kids to swimming lessons, get the house cleaned up and organized, etc. I know I am totally complaining, so I will stop. Life is only as hard as you allow it to be, and I guess I am letting it beat me down.
I have a sign in my kitchen that is so relevant, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." I need you, Lord Jesus, to renew that everlasting JOY in my heart, and allow me to persevere through the yucky stress of life, pursue you will every fiber of my being, for YOU alone make my paths straight.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
So, I guess I need to update my blog, huh?
I had several unpublished entries that I went ahead and posted below... They are ALL OLD, but there ya go!
P.S. - I have no idea who all these Chinese people are that read my blog...
P.S. - I have no idea who all these Chinese people are that read my blog...
Do you ever feel like you live your life going, going, going? It's an eternal cyclone of events, people, You have to do that deep, never-ending pit of laundry, make meals, get people where they need to be at the right time, finish that deadline for work, deal with an insaciousably difficult boss, try not to take the phone call personally where they chewed your head off over something relating to work, remember to pick the kids up from school on time, take them to their sports practice or dance practice, go to church, volunteer in several activities at church, chat with friends, feel guilty that you can't do everything like those other people can, spend time with your husband or significant other, play with your kids and help them with their homework, go to the gym, go grocery shopping, face the pressure of what other people are expecting you to do, feed the dog that never stops barking, pick up this, wash that, visit this person, solve that person's problem of the day, put out MORE fires that have blown up at work while you were trying to take care of the other stuff you were dealing with, be happy, look pleasant, and still spend that time in the Word, listening to what God says HE wants you to do as well.
This may sound like you. Maybe not the same in every instance, but you can relate. If not, then, wow! I wish some of you would rub off on me!!
I live my life on the go. For those of you who understnad perosnalities, I am considered a sanguine -- very outgoing, at times crazy, love people, never afraid to chat with a complete stranger. That said, many people, of all personalities and walks of life struggle with the "busy, every day life."
This may sound like you. Maybe not the same in every instance, but you can relate. If not, then, wow! I wish some of you would rub off on me!!
I live my life on the go. For those of you who understnad perosnalities, I am considered a sanguine -- very outgoing, at times crazy, love people, never afraid to chat with a complete stranger. That said, many people, of all personalities and walks of life struggle with the "busy, every day life."
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